I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
