I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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