Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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