Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
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bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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