with your own penis?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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