A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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