She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
my god I love twenty year old dicks
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
