I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
