sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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