peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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