LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
