she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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