I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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