Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
