Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
