i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
