I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
