Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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