i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
