I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
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He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
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I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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