dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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