i can't believe i had my finger in that
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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