oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
People in love make me want to vomit
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
