he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
