You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Randomize
