I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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