I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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