dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
