Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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