All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
