ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
