I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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