i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
