So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
