Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I think people are normalizing furries
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
