Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
