can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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