That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
