listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
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