I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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