I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
