So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
