i was rollin on her like bob the builder
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
