I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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