If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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