He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm too high and old for this...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
