apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
