She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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