I want you more than these girls want KFC
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
