I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
