I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
