I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
