I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
