Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
