When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
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I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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