I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
