please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
