what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
