After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
