You're my little dorito
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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